Ashley Logan

Your hunger must be greater than your fear.

V.E. Schwab, Open Discussion in Atlanta, GA; April 19, 2023

I had the pleasure of attending the conversation between V.E. Schwab and Mark Oshiro last month as they discussed all things writing as well as all things Addie LaRue in celebration of the release of Schwab’s paperback version of The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue. To no surprise, V spoke with eloquence, humor, and vulnerability. When asked about advice in conquering fear as a writer, she did not hesitate in acknowledging the difficulty of writing but was also adamant about how your hunger must be greater than your fear. If you write, you’re a writer – but to put that writing out there, to put yourself out into the world, your want for it must be greater than all else. This was meaningful, not only for the way I want to write, but also for the way I want to live – unabashedly authentic in my want and self.  On the other side of that coin, however, is also discovering the pace that is specific to the way you write. The industry tells us that if we stop even for a moment in our climb up that publishing and writing hill, not only will others pass us, but we roll backwards to be forgotten. This lesson is explored and picked apart repeatedly throughout Addie LaRue, reminding us all to pause and remember how to wonder at our surroundings, at the world around us.

I saw an elephant in Paris today…

Addie LaRue in The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue was not my first read of V’s work but it certainly struck a different tone from other books of hers I’ve read – intentional on her part. The first time I read it was when it was published in late 2020. I identified heavily with Henry’s character (one shaped by a mirror of V herself). The desire to be loved weighed constantly in my mind as I battled with my mental health, went through my second round of electroconvulsive therapy that was decidedly unhelpful and traumatizing, and also began the divorce process from my then husband. The book brought me to tears and I remember being viscerally affected – I felt seen, yes, but to be able to feel anything at all was also a blessing at that time. I understood Henry and the way he visualized his dark times as storms, the turmoil in his brain that brought pain and loneliness. When I first read the novel, I suddenly didn’t feel so alone in my own dark storm at the time.

When I re-read the book last month in preparation for the event, I was once again brought to tears but this time by Addie’s character. I am currently in a better place where I try to consistently and fully embrace what V defined as “stubborn hope and defiant joy.” Addie’s story is also one centralized in memory, and V described how her inspiration for Addie’s character was the concept of memory and the grief that comes with being forgotten. She carefully explained how when her grandmother was in the depths of dementia, it was not only the grief of witnessing her grandmother lose her memories, but the grief of witnessing her mother be forgotten in the process that sparked a very real fear in her. I empathized with this story after witnessing the very same occur with my own grandmother as she battled with the erasure that comes with Alzheimer’s. It also gave me a new perspective on my own loss of memory after receiving approximately thirty sessions of electroconvulsive therapy within a year. I am still navigating anger and grief over all that is now lost to me, memory wiped clean so swiftly, but now I couldn’t help but consider all the people around me who also had to watch as memories I had with them faded and disappeared. Addie’s defiance in the wake of being forgotten by everyone and her determination to still be present and find joy was memorable to me, another nod at how art continues to inspire and linger despite all odds. She reminded me to stand in the sunlight, take in the view, and live one moment at a time – a gentle offering to myself each day. This book is an absolute favorite of mine, and it meant the world to hear V discuss all that went into the creation of this beautiful, aching story.

The world is magic; sometimes we just haven’t found the right door to see it yet. There are cracks through which we can feel the echoes of that magic around us.

V.E. Schwab, Open Discussion in Atlanta, GA; April 19, 2023

V spoke about how she works to sow doubt into her readers by writing fantasy that sits closely to reality. It pushes us to remember that everything we do is a curation of reality, that we place ourselves in boxes and peek through the space between bars with yearning. We can feel the magic of what is out there but struggle to touch it, hold it, create it as though that magic is unobtainable to us. Perhaps sometimes we even feel undeserving of it. Addie demonstrates how inspiration itself is legacy; inspiration is the spark before the fire that rages in order to offer space for new growth, new life. It is the pause before the amen of prayer. Magic is held at our fingertips every day that we choose to seek and find the remarkable around us. Our goal, the goal, is to stay astonished and mischievous. Remain deserving of awe and wonder.

I write this now as I watch the wild wind push against tall, unyielding pines, branches waving with the breeze instead of breaking, an astonishing dance revealed above my head. I can hear the trees whispering to one another as they move while the birds call to one another in song – seeking and then finding. There is magic here as I feel the earth shift around me and through. There are no more bars to keep the magic from touching my skin, no cage to keep me from feeling enchanted by nature’s unrelenting story. This is faith answered – the meaning of stubborn hope and defiant joy.